Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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