i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
