I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
