Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
