She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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