You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
