I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
