im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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