I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
