I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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