just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
