Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
