I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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