Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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