Whoa Z and x make the same sound
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
