1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize