Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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