During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
