He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
