she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize