ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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