take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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