if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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