Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
