He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
