So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
