i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
