I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
