Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize