did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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