Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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