the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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