I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
