i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
