I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize