My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
