don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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