Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
