just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I could make wine with my vomit
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
