my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize