Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
