before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
