I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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