the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
