I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Randomize
