Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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