I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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