This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
