M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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