I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
