no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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