I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
