so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize