I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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