highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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