I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize