I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
