I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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